Challenges of Change

Your life is not like it used to be. You’ve been through a change – a profound shift you didn’t expect but had to embrace. There is much to grieve as you face your losses even as there is much to celebrate as you feel gratitude for what is emerging through the transformative process you’re experiencing.

Major changes – whatever they happen to be - present great challenges. We tell ourselves that we know life is about constantly shifting circumstances and experiences. One moment leads to the next. We must let go and move along with the flow of life.

Sometimes that isn’t quite as easy as it may sound. We feel comforted, safe, and in control when we have stable conditions that we are accustomed to handling. All too often we waste precious energy trying to avoid change because we fear the emotional pain we will experience when we let go of what once was and face what now is that must be accepted and embraced.

As a psychotherapist, I’ve seen people keep themselves in miserable relationships, jobs, and situations because they are settled into a life style that though unhappy is at least familiar and accustomed. They are afraid to look honestly at their changing needs, feelings, desires, and dreams lest they discover that they are cheating themselves in profoundly disturbing ways.

Their motto seems to be, “Better to hang in and endure than risk upsetting the status quo.” Meanwhile they tell themselves they are doing this for the good of others. They ignore the costs to themselves and to those they “sacrifice themselves for.” Their unhappiness slips out in hurtful ways when frustrations overwhelm them and they behave in mean and discounting ways toward the people they think they are helping.

And I’ve noticed myself, attached to the ruts I’m in and resistant to changing them for fear I’ll be hurt in some way if I dare follow my heart and do what seems risky and new. All these patterns are variations on the theme of trying to control life by insuring against possible vulnerability. We imagine that if we’re just smart enough and careful enough we can avoid the mistakes, hurts and losses that are simply part of the fabric of life.

We act like the tail that thinks it wags the dog. There is something much greater going on than our small conscious minds can conceive. We are guided and directed by our Souls and the Holy Spirit. Our challenge is to let go, surrender our illusions of control, and tune into the gentle promptings and cues we receive from sources much wiser and informed than our small earth bound minds can perceive.

One incredibly helpful discipline that assists in letting go of control, being present in the present, and flowing with the vicissitudes of life is accepting “what is” rather than resisting whatever it is that we encounter. Last fall a good friend who went with me to a first chemotherapy treatment session brought me a book to read called A Thousand Names for Joy by Byron Katie. The theme of the book is to stop resisting what you encounter in life. Instead embrace it as perfect for the moment you are in, perfect in some way you may not and don’t need to understand, just right for you despite appearing to be something you don’t want or don’t like.

I read that book slowly and carefully. I practiced noticing when I felt myself tightening up and resisting whatever was happening in the present. I let go and let whatever was happening be just right for me in that moment. And I found that I even enjoyed and relaxed through those weekly treatment sessions. I felt better and better, less and less stressed. My work times became effortless. What peace and pleasure to surrender and allow rather than fight against and resist!

Fighting against and resisting can be as subtle as wishing things were different, not liking standing in line, longing for the good ole days, wishing you were somewhere other than where you happen to be or with someone other than your current companion. It can be as big as knowing you need to make a big change and telling yourself that would be impossible or would anger other people or disappoint someone else, or be too big a risk for you to take. It can be as insidious as being critical of your mate and trying to get him to change rather than accepting him as he is and loving him even if he isn’t exactly the way you think he ought to be.

Like a mountain stream, life is constantly moving. Now is not the now that was when I started writing this article. Your now when you read these words will be different still. Each moment is unique, not to be recaptured but precious in its own time and space. Living fully is being open to that now - whatever and however it is. Loving is accepting you in each moment and accepting others in their moment just as you are in yours. Healing flows from accepting what is with me and with you. Faith flows from experiencing the perfection of it all whether or not we can see or fathom how that perfection can be.

Change stirs powerful feelings – the grief and sadness of loss, the excitement of new beginnings and new possibilities, the anger of no longer having what we thought we had to have, the courage to do the hard work required to get out of our ruts and on with what comes next in our lives, the shame we may feel if we tell ourselves we should have done things differently or guilt ourselves for our mistakes. To flow through life changes with grace and fluidity we have to allow and embrace those feelings whatever they happen to be. Expressing and acknowledging our emotions frees us from the hold of the past and releases our energy so we can move on and be fully at home in the present.

If we block, deny, and hold onto those emotions, we cripple ourselves in myriad ways and keep ourselves stuck in the past. We may get physically ill, have unexplained aches, pains, stomach troubles, headaches, depression, anxiety, overwhelmed feelings, and mental, emotional and spiritual shutdown. By denying our feelings we fight against the flow of the river of life. Like fish trying to swim upstream, we get battered, bruised, and exhausted in the process.

Often we don’t realize how programmed we are in this culture to avoid what we feel. Instead we go to our heads. We over-think. We obsess about details that aren’t all that important. We go numb. We go to sleep. We isolate ourselves with work, alcohol, drugs, computers, and other handy addictions.

Our early training is like a huge undertow that pulls us down and away from riding the waves of life – the ups and downs of feelings we encounter everyday. I still have to remind myself to check in with my feelings – to consciously ask myself what I’ve tried to avoid by staying busy and keeping myself distracted from the emotional dimension of my life.

Grieving, crying, writing about our pain, pounding anger out with a punching bag or on a pillow, having a friend listen, mirror, and validate our feelings are all wonderful ways of letting go and freeing ourselves to move on with life. Despite what we’ve been taught, feelings are nothing to fear. They are our friends and allies in clearing away what is finished in our lives so we can move into what is offered us now. (For more on Emotional Digestion read the May 2008 article.)

Every emotional release we allow enlivens us, frees our energy, inspires us to explore new the dimensions of possibility we can see when our vision isn’t clouded by the fog of clinging to what is past. Don’t just hide your feelings and put the past behind you as we are often told to do. Instead experience it fully – then you really can let it go. Done is done. Now is now. Embrace it. Look forward to the surprises tomorrow may bring. Feel what you feel. Open your heart to life! Embrace the changes you long to make.

Blossoming Roses

I lost a wonderful friend recently. She died rather suddenly though she had been ill and not diagnosed until recently. She was the kind of friend who showed her love through actions more than words. She knew what was needed and she gave herself to meet those needs.

Last fall when I started a new round of chemotherapy she was at my house waiting to welcome me home every Friday after my treatments. She would have walked my dogs, Maggie and Summer, so they would be chilled out when I got back. After settling me in, she read her latest novel on the sofa with Summer lying with her head in her lap and her tummy being scratched and Maggie asleep right at her feet. She stayed until she was sure I was OK and comfortable. I felt so cared for and loved – and safe. She was here for me, and I was grateful and blessed. Now she has died of the illness she helped me through. Who could have known or guessed that this would happen?

It is a perfect example of what I often say to my clients. We live in the face of life, not knowing what the next page or the next chapter will present. None of us knows what tomorrow will be. Life is a mystery we create with everyday we are privileged to live. It behooves us to be loving, generous, and grateful for all the opportunities we have to let others know how much we value and respect them. It also helps to be conscious of the gifts each day offers. Moment by moment the river of life flows on through changing territory that sometimes surprises us with joys and sorrows we couldn’t have anticipated, planned, or prevented.

Friday when I came home from treatment, her car wasn’t in my driveway. She wasn’t here. Maggie and Summer weren’t drunk with the love and attention she showered on them. We carried on, and we are grieving for what was so precious and no longer is. Life has changed, and change is a big challenge. All too often we waste precious energy trying to avoid it, because we fear the emotional pain we will experience when we let go of what once was and face what now is that must be accepted and embraced.

So I’ve cried a lot... I’ve been angry too. I’m also relieved to know my friend is no longer in pain as she was. I’ve felt her presence. Before I got the phone call telling me she had died, I awoke feeling wonderful – feeling whole and healthy and totally blessed. A picture came into my mind. I saw a vase of fully blossomed roses that were a lovely salmon pink color. I was grateful for the beautiful image.

A few minutes later I was meditating when I heard the phone ring. I chose not to interrupt the process I was in and take the call at that moment. I wondered if it might be my daughter calling from Europe where she and her family have been vacationing. Then I knew. My friend had died in the night. It was 7:00 AM, and I was being notified.

So I wasn’t surprised when I heard the message and then returned the call. When I got off the phone, I suddenly felt exhausted – a stark contrast to my feelings less than an hour before. I knew I needed to cry. So I finished making the bed and sat down to pet my dogs she loved. That started my tears flowing. I surrendered to them as I’ve learned to do. I let them flow. I didn’t hold back. I felt better. My energy came back. It was no longer being consumed by the effort required to keep those tears of pain and loss at bay. A little while later I realized that the roses I had seen in that spontaneous awakening image were the color of the bouquet of rosebuds I had taken to my friend soon after she went to the hospital. I believe that image was her way of letting me know she had crossed over to the world of spirit – now fully blossomed into new life.

I recalled a quote I’ve referred to often in the past two weeks. I encountered it in the first chapter of an amazing book titled Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow. The author is Elizabeth Lesser whose writing is wonderful artistry and a healing gift to read. She tells of finding this quote on a painting of a rose that was shown to her in a rug shop in Jerusalem when she was visiting there during a difficult period early in her adult life.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.--Anais Nin

My friend has blossomed. She left the material world. Her body was worn out, and she let it go. I miss her, and I know she is still close by. She is giving me gifts in her dying as she gave me great gifts in her living. I thank her, and I thank God for her. Her dying challenges me to blossom ever more fully in the life I am blessed to continue living.

Her name was Susan Courtney Fowler. She loved people, children, and animals. She was a teacher and a coach. She was shy. She was private. She changed lives with her love, her wisdom, her persistence, her patience, and her presence. She lived well. She remains alive in the hearts of all of us who knew and loved her.

Gloria in Excelsis Deo!

Two Parents + a Good Marriage = Children Who Thrive

During this Mother’s and Father’s Day season, I want to share some reflections on the importance both parents play in raising healthy children who thrive. Mom’s and dad’s marriage is like a garden they nurture over the years as they deepen their love and commitment to each other. In this well tended garden, their children bloom like the beautiful unique flowers each of them is born to be. It takes two parents and a good marriage for children to thrive. Both moms and dads are essential to their children’s well being. The strength of their marriage is the foundation of their kids’ world. When they relate lovingly with one another, their fulfillment nourishes and energizes them to meet their children’s needs and allow their little ones the space they need to develop into the people they are meant to be. If their marriage is troubled their children move into the void between them and become surrogate mates as well as the objects of too many of their battles. Then those little ones – overwhelmed and overstimulated by the emotional pain that surrounds them – act out their parents’ anger and hurt by misbehaving or being too good and perfect to be real, healthy kids. An acting-out child calls attention to the pain in his family and focuses his parents’ attention on dealing with his behavior. By becoming their common problem, he gives them a reason to unite -- to cope with him. He is the target of their concern, their anger, frustration, and hurt which he expresses while they pretend there is nothing amiss in their marriage. A too good child also is in pain. Her more socially acceptable strategy for coping helps mom and dad sustain the illusion that all is well with them. She carries their troubles inside her while pushing herself to achieve, perform, and shine – doing her child’s best to bring happiness to her troubled parents by helping disguise their pain. What needs to happen to keep children from being in these too hurtful places? Here are some guidelines to help you assess both strengths and challenge areas in your parenting equation: 1. Ideally Mom and Dad respect each other as individuals who also are marriage partners. They grow beyond the emotional fusion of their initial fascination with one another into full differentiation as whole people able to connect deeply, share openly and appropriately (without fearing the other’s reaction), play joyfully, and tolerate sustained periods of pleasure in each other’s presence. (One way to accomplish this is through learning to practice the Safe Dialogue Process described in my book, Loving Your Partner Without Losing Your Self which is available through my website, www.MarthaBeveridge.com.) 2. Mom and Dad appreciate the unique gifts each brings to their parenting responsibilities. Mom is her child’s safe haven. She provides the womb space he needs for comfort, unconditional love, understanding, and support. She loves him and is there for him no matter what. Once he is conceived, she has no choice but to fully accept him, growing as he does out of her very being. Her job is to love without reservations and gradually to release him – from the painful first letting go of his physical birth to the gradual releasing of his psychological birthing into the larger world beyond his family. She assists him in leaving home step by step – from preschool to kindergarten, grade school, high school, college, and eventually marriage and a family of his own. Balancing love and limits with forgiveness, grief, and release is mother's great nurturing privilege and responsibility. 3. Where there is little choice about a mother’s relationship with her child, Dad decides to be present to fulfill his role. Because he chooses to relate to his child, he also teaches her how to relate to others - her friends and teachers. He helps her discover that in the larger world there are people who won’t, like her mom, love her and make allowances for her, no matter what. Dad imparts socialization skills and instructs her about the realities of the world beyond their home. He models and teaches responsibility, accountability, love, warmth, and reliability. 4. Dad and Mom set limits and invoke consequences, allowing their children to express and live through their angry, disappointed feelings when they don’t get what they want. Together Mom and Dad stand firm, accepting their children’s feelings without being manipulated by them, giving in to them, or overreacting to them out of fear. They are consistent in teaching their children to experience the consequences of their choices. 5. If they have trouble handling limits and emotions, they seek help as a couple to heal their childhood wounds around these issues and to learn to practice the skills they need so they don’t re-enact their parents’ hurtful ways of relating to feelings and discipline. (Thomas Phelan’s book, 1,2,3 Magic is an excellent resource for parents who need help with effective, loving discipline.) 6. Both Mom and Dad recognize that raising children challenges them to deal with their childhood history. When they have a child who is the age they were when a trauma occurred, they are reminded of their feelings about big changes or painful losses like divorces, deaths, and illnesses as well as hurtful behavior from others. Relating to their child stirs up their suppressed grief, stresses their marriage, and disrupts their parenting. If they are conscious of what is happening within them, they can claim a valuable opportunity to heal their childhood wounds. If not, they may re-enact what they experienced, behaving as their parents did and wounding their children as they were wounded. 7. Mom and Dad recognize that one parent cannot do it all alone. They honor their commitment to each other and to their responsibilities as parents. If their marriage is in trouble, they get help and work together to grow through their difficulties. They realize that changing partners – attractive as it may seem – does not solve their individual growth challenges but merely delays their addressing them. They also accept that one partner alone is not and cannot be totally to blame for what ails their marriage. 8. If ultimately they decide to divorce, they continue to work to improve their communication and their relationship with each other so their children have the best chance possible to continue to relate to both of them. They do not disparage each other in their children’s presence. If they remarry, they teach their children that it is OK to love both their birth parents and their step-parents. They encourage step-parents to be full partners in parenting. 9. Mom and Dad remain clear that their relationship is paramount. They nurture and sustain their marriage year by year so when their children leave home, mom and dad are ready to enjoy being a couple once more. 10. They help their children grow-up and learn to be responsible for themselves so they are ready to leave home when they finish their schooling and move into the working world. They give their children chores, responsibilities, and allowances to help them learn to manage their time, money, and school work. They let go and don’t remind their kids of what they need to do on their own initiative. They allow their children to experience the consequences of the choices they make. They don’t rescue them from those consequences even though they don’t enjoy seeing their kids lose privileges or allowance funds when they don’t make responsible choices. Because as parents they are healthy individuals and marriage partners, they don’t try to cling to their children and keep them dependent upon them to avoid the grief of an eventual empty nest. Successful parents are also good parents for themselves. They nurture themselves so they have the energy and resources they need to parent their children as well. They are aware that they are the most powerful life models their children have. They teach them about life, what they can expect from others, what they should tolerate and not tolerate from themselves and others, what their values are, what fun and joy are, and what to expect from life. Especially in the first six years of a child’s life, successful parents realize they are programming his or her mind – installing the soft ware that will run unconsciously for the rest of the child’s life - until and unless he or she works diligently to delete that soft ware and install new programs that are more functional. It’s an awesome responsibility and privilege parents hold. The rewards are among the greatest life offers us. It isn’t easy. This eighteen plus year journey takes us through difficult territory. As parents we are challenged in all the ways we most need to grow. Not only are we powerful teachers for our children but they also are amazing teachers for us. They know exactly where our buttons are. They don’t mind pushing them. They mirror the best and the most difficult within us. We love and accept them with all our hearts. They call us to love and accept ourselves unconditionally as well.

Emotional Digestion

We know the importance of fully digesting the food we eat. The moment anything interferes with that vital process, we feel physical discomfort that tells us something is wrong. And we seek relief.

Fully digesting our feelings is equally crucial to our well being. Denying or burying feelings creates the unpleasant experience that I call emotional indigestion.

The symptoms associated with physical indigestion are unmistakable. There are clear signals that alert us to emotional indigestion as well. Unfortunately we may not recognize those signals or know how to treat them.

Perhaps you’ve experienced typical distresses like these. You’re out of sorts and tell yourself that you’re having a bad day. You may feel down, depressed, or anxious. Or you may be touchy, unusually irritable, and short of patience. Many people suddenly are tired – sometimes so exhausted that they can barely function. Others sleep, drink too much, smoke compulsively, overeat, gamble, get sick, use drugs, or feel desperate for sex. Picking a fight with a mate or child is commonplace. Battling over inconsequential issues lets off steam but doesn’t address the real source of the pain that lies beneath aggressive behavior.

All these signals remind us that denied feelings don’t go away even though we may do our best to block or hide them. Instead of choosing to acknowledge and validate our feelings, then express them directly and appropriately when this is necessary and advisable, we unconsciously act them out in ways that hurt us, harm other people, and damage our relationships. We suffer from emotional indigestion that upsets us and is contagious to others as well.

Fortunately there is a cure for what ails us. Relief comes quickly when we make friends with our feelings and learn to digest them effectively. I suggest a six-phase process that heals emotional indigestion as surely as Pepto-Bismol relieves physical digestive difficulties.

The first phase of this process involves noticing and naming what you feel. Feelings are described by a single word like angry, sad, scared, joyful, or successful. You can ask yourself, “Am I feeling ashamed, guilty, apathetic, frightened, wishful, angry, proud, brave, neutral, accepting, successful, loving, joyful, or even blissful? As you identify your feelings, you may uncover layers of different emotions that unfold as you embrace them. Look beneath anger for sadness and hurt, fears and regrets as well as what you appreciate about the person or situation you are addressing.

The second phase of the digestive process overlaps the first. As you notice and name what you feel, you breathe deeply, inhaling and exhaling fully. This allows your breath to support you as you feel what you feel. Deep breathing calms you and helps your feelings move through you so you can assimilate and release them. Be aware of the tendency many people have to hold their breath in order not to feel emotions they are afraid to experience. Holding or short circuiting your breath contributes to emotional indigestion. Breathing fully and freely helps heal it.

Phase three overlaps phases one and two. As you notice and name your feelings while breathing deeply to support yourself in that process, remember to be respectful of your emotions. You have the right to feel what you feel. There is no need to justify your feelings. They simply are what they are. Validate your feelings by reminding yourself that whatever you feel is understandable, acceptable, and quite natural.

The fourth phase flows from the first three. It is taking full responsibility for what you feel. Your feelings belong to you, not to someone else. No one else makes you feel what you feel. Nor do you have to be the victim of your emotions. You are making friends with your feelings so they serve you rather than frighten or defeat you. [i]

The fifth phase is choosing how you will express your feelings. You may want to talk or even shout them out when you are alone and can say whatever you want to say without being concerned about harming someone else. You might choose to write about what you feel in your journal or in a letter that you may or may not send to someone else. Once you express your emotions privately, you then can decide if and when you want to talk with other people about how you feel. Telling someone you trust about your feelings is helpful. Ask that person to listen and mirror what you say. Honestly confessing your feelings is like chewing what you eat. It allows you to fully digest what you feel.

Another great way to digest your feelings is by using a process called the Emotional Freedom Technique. This involves using the index and middle fingers of one hand to gently tap various acupressure points on your body while making a statement related to the feelings you are facing. Formulate a statement like, “Even though I feel angry and confused, I deeply love and accept myself.” Or “Even though I am sad and lonely right now, I know I am safe and OK.”

Once you have your descriptive statement, tap continuously on what is called the karate chop point – about two inches below where your little finger joins your hand and on the outside edge of your hand - while saying your statement aloud three times. Then use a shorter phrase to remind you of the subject of your tapping as you continue your treatment. While saying aloud, “feeling angry and confused” or “feeling sad and lonely” as your reminder, tap about seven times on each of these points in sequence: the inside edge of your eyebrow; the bone you feel outside and beside your eye, the bone you feel beneath your eye, the middle of the area between your nose and your lip; the middle of the area between the bottom of your lip and your chin; a soft spot about two inches beneath your collar bone and just away from the center of your body; a spot under your arm about where the middle of a bra strap would be; and back again to the karate chop point where you started. Then circle your wrist with your other hand and say, “peace.”

If necessary, repeat the process, modifying your statement by saying, “Even though I still feel angry and confused, I deeply love and accept myself.” Or, “Even though I still feel sad and lonely, I know I am safe and OK.” Then use a reminder phrase like “remaining anger and confusion” or “remaining sadness and loneliness” while tapping the points described above.

For a full description of the basic recipe for using EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), go to www.emotionalfreedomtechnique.com. Sometimes it is necessary to tap for layers of emotion that link back into painful experiences from the past. There are also shortcuts and more extended versions of tapping that may be useful to you.

The object of all these processes is ultimately to let go of your feelings once you have acknowledged, validated, and digested them. You don’t need to hang onto your feelings to punish yourself or anyone else. You do need to allow your emotions to teach you the important life lessons that are inherent in your experiences. Doing so, you free yourself to move on to whatever is your next in your life.

As you practice the emotional digestion process, you will encounter two categories of feelings. The first includes feelings that arise spontaneously in response to life events that profoundly affect you and are beyond your personal control. The events of September 11 are an example of this kind of emotional challenge. Other examples include major life changes, losses, illnesses, and other people’s behavior. Feelings also arise spontaneously when we have major accomplishments, joys, and successes. All these experiences stir deep spontaneous feelings within us – some painful and some pleasurable.

The second category of feelings includes emotions that arise within us in response to how we think about and interpret what we experience. We create these feelings through the thoughts we think and the meanings we make of what happens in our lives. When we tell ourselves frightening, negative, judgmental, shaming, and anxiety producing stories about what happens to us, we feel scared, depressed, anxious, and guilty. When we acknowledge our anger and sadness about events that are beyond our control while also telling ourselves that we’ll cope, we’ll survive, we’ll find a way to deal with what we have to face, and that eventually we’ll find the gifts hidden deep within even the most awful circumstances, we soothe ourselves. In response to such healing messages and interpretations, we feel hope, confidence, inner peace, and genuine power.

Again September 11 provides instructive examples. In the immediate aftermath of the attacks, there was a great deal on television and radio that simply addressed what was happening and the terrible shock and grief the whole world shared. As days passed, the coverage shifted to more and more analysis of what happened and coverage of the war that ensued. Much of that was useful and helpful in coping with the readjustment of our thinking that all of us faced. At the same time there was a decided focus on the most negative, frightening aspects of the experience at hand with much less attention focused on the miracles of love and healing that also happened that day. Certainly the heroism of the rescue workers was applauded, patriotism was ignited, generosity was triggered, and pride was felt as we coped with our devastation. But we didn’t hear much about how many people escaped from the buildings, how many happened to be delayed or prevented from being there on the day the terrorists struck, the spiritual awakenings that occurred as a result of that awful day, or the renaissance of spirit that might emerge in New York and Washington as it did in Oklahoma City after April 19.

All of us have strong feelings about the terrible events we’ve witnessed in recent years. We grieve. We are shocked and afraid. We hurt. We are angry. We are proud of our country and our heritage. We celebrate the courage of those who rescue, those who cope, and those who fight and defend. These are our pure emotional responses to the shock of events we did not anticipate and could not control or escape.

We also must be concerned about the second category of feelings we have about these events. How we decide to think about and interpret those terrible experiences also determines our emotional state. Certainly we must be aware of how much we choose to allow the news media to control our minds and determine our feelings. We can make conscious choices to think in encouraging, healing ways that help us soothe our anxieties while also taking into account the seriousness of the current world situation.

On a smaller scale we face similar challenges every day in our personal lives. How we choose to frame and think about those challenges determines much of how we feel, the energy we have to cope, and the joy we can feel just being alive. The power of our interpretations can’t be over estimated. We make up stories about what things mean, we believe our stories, and then we behave as if they were true. Our own internal newscasts broadcast continuously in our heads and may be just as negative and scary as what we get on the TV at 6:00 and 10:00 PM.

The good news is that we can make conscious choices to monitor what we tell ourselves and change fearful stories to ones that inspire, encourage, and uplift. Our feelings in response to new, loving interpretations will be pleasant ones that support us, enliven us, and energize us for happier loving and living.

If you encounter feelings that just won't clear, look more deeply within yourself. Ask yourself when you felt similar feelings at earlier times in your life. Trace these feelings back through the years being sure to include your adolescent and childhood experiences. You'll find that today's upsets often tap into reservoirs of buried feelings from the past. What you feel now invites you to uncover, face, acknowledge, validate, express appropriately and ultimately release long buried hurt, anger, and grief from your history. Each time you clear old previously denied feelings, you free yourself to enjoy life more fully and be more whole, healthy, and true to yourself today.

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[i] You may find my booklet, Make Friends With Your Feelings, a useful resource. It is available through my office, 1-800-345-8477, or my website, www.marthabeveridge.com .

21 Early Warning Signs for Relationships in Distress

You’ve no doubt read warning signs for physical problems like cancer, strokes, heart attacks, and possible diabetes. There also are plenty of radio and television programs as well as magazine and internet articles that alert us to indications of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, not to mention possible problems with drugs, foods, cars, the air we breathe, and the addictions we create.

Despite the warnings we receive, it can be difficult to heed them, especially when doing so may mean facing major challenges and making changes in habits and life styles that though painful, are old, comfortable and familiar. We become accustomed to the ruts we create for ourselves as we live our lives day to day. It seems easier to rock along with the way things are than to risk shaking things up by waking up to problems we don’t really know how to face.

I present the 21 warning signs that follow with awareness that you’ve probably already heard enough warnings to last you for a lifetime. If you are brave enough to keep reading, you may recognize come of these patterns in your life. If so, you may be reluctant to consider how powerfully they affect you. Obviously the point in putting these warning signs out is to present a sort of wake-up call for marriages and intimate partnerships that are ailing. But just as we may reach over and silence the alarm clock when we don’t want to get up to face a new day, you may want to tune out concerns you feel when you read them.

Needless to say, tuning out can be costly. Everyday in my office I talk with couples who say, “I wish we had done this years ago before we did so much damage to our relationship.” While there is still plenty of hope for healing marriages, even those in severe crisis, it certainly is easier to address issues before they’ve had years to fester.

There is also the further objection that funds are short and you may not see how you can afford the cost of marital counseling. I would remind you that divorces are lots more costly, not just financially but also emotionally and physically. Couples coaching and counseling doesn’t have to take forever. Just a few sessions can make a big difference in your marriage. There also are excellent books to read that can help you get started on the path to healing. Check out Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, Hot Monogamy by Pat Love, and my book, Loving Your Partner Without Losing Yourself.

With all that said, here are my 21 early warning signs for relationships in distress:

• You no longer have a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions between you and your mate.
• You hide your true feelings from each other – especially anger, hurt, and disappointment – in order to avoid conflict.
• Your unexpressed feelings gradually have become a wall of trivia that creates distance and disconnection between you.
• You fight frequently about time, money, and sex without solving anything.
• You often resort to the ABC’s of power struggle. You attack, blame, and criticize your partner.
• You believe your partner is responsible for what is wrong between you.
• You try to control your mate’s behavior.
• You have little empathy for your spouse. Instead you are convinced that you are right, and he or she is wrong.
• You want to change your partner so you won’t have to change yourself.
• You act with your partner as if you are a parent correcting a misbehaving child. Or, you behave with your partner like a child trying to manipulate a controlling parent.
• Your sexual relationship is suffering.
• You talk more openly with friends and business associates than you do with your mate.
• You are flirting with having an affair - or having one.
• You are closer to your parents and original family than you are to your mate.
• One or both of you is addicted to alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, food, work, TV, the computer, or other activities that numb your pain and isolate you from each other.
• You and your mate relate to each other through your children rather than directly.
• You rarely spend time together as a couple without the children or other couples to distract you from each other.
• You fill your time with work or other activities so there is no leisure for relaxation and romance.
• There is physical, emotional, and / or sexual abuse in your marriage.
• One or both of you refuses to ask for help to heal your marriage.
• One or both of you is depressed, physically ill, anxious, overweight, or having lots of physical pain.

If you recognize issues in your relationship, I invite you to bite the bullet and risk saying, “I think we need some help.” I know lots of people think they should know how to solve their problems “on their own.” The trouble is, if they knew how, they would already have managed to make the necessary adjustments. The truth is none of us had much or any real education about relationships and how to understand what they require. We expect to receiving job training, we go to school to become skilled enough to practice various professions, we are endlessly fascinated with coaches who create great football and basketball teams, but somehow we imagine that when it comes to marriage, we’re just born knowing what to do. For most of us, the major model we have for how relationships function is our parents’ marriage. Emulating what we experienced and observed growing up works well for some people, but lots of folks are pretty clear that the last thing they want to do is to recreate the dysfunction they saw in their childhood homes.

We wouldn’t expect a sports team to be great without a lot of expert coaching. We know a football team couldn’t function without regular practice sessions, effective communication during huddles, skilled direction from the sidelines, and great leadership and cooperation among team members. Why expect great relationships without effective coaching and regular practice sessions designed to develop excellent communication, great teamwork, and genuine cooperation? Surely your marriage and family are worth at least as much effort as we expect from a sports team.

It’s fun and greatly relieving to move beyond the inevitable power struggle phase where relationships typically become stuck. Once you and your partner experience the joy of becoming conscious in your loving and relating, you open the door to romance and pleasure far greater than what you felt during your courtship. You become vintage lovers who like fine wine are seasoned and enhanced by jointly mastering the real life challenges of living in loving relationship. It’s a journey. Now is the time to take the first steps. Bon voyage!

Stopping Boundary Violations

One key expression of love is respect – for yourself, for others, and for God. From a spiritual perspective, all of us are intimately connected since we are part of the magnificent whole of God’s creation. Like leaves, we emerge from a bud on a branch which helps form a limb which joins the trunk and helps shape the whole that is the tree. Some live through an entire spring and summer season. Some fall from the tree earlier than expected. All are of equal importance to the tree, virtually identical in appearance, and destined to live, die, and re-bud again the next budding season. Each is one with the whole of the tree.

It’s hard to imagine leaves fighting with one another, judging, criticizing, or discounting other leaves, imagining that one should save another, or that one is more powerful, important, and beautiful than its neighbors. Unless there is lots more going on than our human eyes and ears can fathom, it seems safe to assume that the leaves on a tree live in harmony and peace, enjoying their relatively brief sojourn for a season in the life of their source.

As human beings with lots more freedom and many more choices available to us, we have bigger challenges to face when it comes to respecting ourselves and others. We learn about love and respect in the families that raise us. Our internal computers are programmed early in life by our experiences with our parents, caretakers, teachers, and society. We develop habits of relating that are remarkably like those of the people who have the strongest influences in our early lives.

We also come to believe that these habits can be difficult to change. Holding that belief, it is easy to rock along assuming that the ways we behave are relatively fixed and unlikely to be altered. We find plenty of excuses for keeping ourselves in the behavioral boxes we inhabit that, though not always comfortable, are at least old, familiar, and automatic.

Perhaps you’ve heard the story told by Clarissa Pinkola Estes in her book Women Who Run With the Wolves, [1]about a dog who was placed by researchers in a large cage. One half of the floor of the cage was wired so that when the dog stepped into that side of the cage, he received an electrical shock. The dog learned to stay on the safe side of the cage. Time passed. Eventually the researchers rewired the floor of the cage so that now the other side of the cage shocked the dog and the side that previously had been wired was now clear. The dog was confused at first and then learned to stay where he wouldn’t be shocked. Again time passed and he became accustomed to his new situation. Finally the researchers wired the entire floor of the cage. Now the dog was confused and panicked. Soon he gave up, recognizing he had no choice but to submit to random electrical shocks no matter where he was in the cage. He became accustomed to his new circumstances and submitted to them. After another extended period of time, the researchers opened the door of the cage.

What did the dog do? We’d like to think that he ran joyfully out of the cage into the freedom that awaited him in a world where the ground is not wired to shock. But instead, he stayed right where he had become accustomed to being – in the cage. By this time he had learned that no matter what, eventually he ended up being shocked. Quite naturally he believed that his experience would be no different outside the cage. Like so many of us, pain that is familiar and predictable seems safer than venturing out of our invisible cages into new territory where we might find much greater freedom and joy – but we believe will be no different from what we’ve learned to expect.

Learning to stop boundary violating behaviors is like having the courage to step outside the cage and discover new, much more satisfying ways of relating. Rather than scaring others by intruding on them, neglecting them, or freezing them out, we can learn to treat them with the respect they deserve and the respect with which we want to be treated. It is the difference between living in love and being controlled by fear as people who have been violated repeatedly tend to be. Like the dog, they are resigned to suffering as the price they must pay for relating to others. If their lives and relationships are to improve, they must find the courage necessary to step into a much larger world of loving possibilities.

Fear is the energy that propels us into violating other people’s boundaries. It is also our instinctive reaction to feeling violated by others. The fright we feel triggers the most primitive part of our brain into action to protect us and insure our survival. We forget our connection with others. We forget that we are all one with our Divine Source. We feel separate and alone. We imagine that our very survival is at stake as our “old” brain kicks in to make sure we aren’t destroyed by what it perceives as a mortal enemy.

This “reptilian” or “old” brain, as it is called, has only three possible choices. It demands that we fight to protect ourselves or flee from danger or freeze in place – like a deer caught in the headlights.

In the face of this powerful “old” brain directive, we go on automatic pilot and - without thinking - react in one of these three ways. Doing so, we in turn violate the boundaries of the person who has just violated ours. This pours fuel on the conflict erupting between us. Our fears - experienced as anger and hurt - intensify. Before we know it, the stakes escalate and more harm ensues.

But there are other possible choices – ways to stop such emotional violence by keeping fear in check and allowing love to fill the empty places where old pain is stored within us. We can start by reminding ourselves that we are much more than the drama that is unfolding between us and another person. We are much more than the feelings and thoughts that may be racing around inside us. We are the conscious witness that is watching the movie that is currently playing on the screen of our lives.

As this conscious witness we can notice boundary violations and our old brain’s reaction to them. We can’t stop the fearful reaction we feel inside ourselves – the urge to fight, flee, or freeze. But we can watch those reactions and choose not to allow those frightened “old” brain urges to control us. Instead we can engage our more evolved “higher” or “new” brain to soothe us and then help us think about how to respond to the situation at hand rather than be controlled by our “knee-jerk” urge to react.

Here’s a useful sequence for your conscious witness to follow:

1. Notice boundary violations – whether you violate my boundaries or I violate yours.

2. Notice your internal, “old” brain reaction – the urge you feel to fight, flee, or freeze.

3. Engage your higher, “new” brain to soothe yourself and then to think about making a more rational choice rather than allowing your “old” brain to control you.

Following this sequence – notice, soothe, think – you can interrupt boundary violating behavior patterns. Instead of escalating your emotions into greater intensity, you use your head and heart to help you find a loving response rather than a fearful reaction.[2]

Self-soothing is a skill we must develop in order to care for ourselves adequately as we interact with others. It is an art we acquire by cultivating a loving voice within us that assures us of our worth, affirms our capacities to cope with life, and reminds us to take a deep breath and relax in the midst of stress. It comforts us when we are frightened and upset. This loving voice is like a nurturing parent that lives within us. It gives us the life affirming messages we need to help ourselves through difficult experiences and troublesome times in our lives.

We can create or strengthen such a nurturing voice within us by writing down loving, reassuring messages to use when we need soothing. Perhaps you would like to hear comforting words like, “God loves you and all is well. You can handle this. Just take a deep breath and let go. You have nothing to fear. Take this one moment at a time. Right this moment, you’re OK.” Or use the mantra that helps take you into a meditative state – words like “I am, God Breathed,” “Om namah shivaya,” or “Om mani padme hum.”

Post these and other self-nurturing messages on an index card to display on your refrigerator door, your mirror, or in your car where you will see them regularly. Speak your loving messages out loud frequently. Say them silently to yourself. Repeat them many times every day. Make them a part of you. Then call them to mind when you notice that you are tempted to react in fear to what someone else says or does.

When that happens, soothe yourself with your reassuring messages and be aware of centering yourself in love. Take three deep breaths and release them slowly. Ask for help from God. Invite the Holy Spirit to come into your heart. Be still and feel your connection with your Spiritual Source.

Then when you feel peaceful and ready, make a short, simple statement to the other person. Let your message be firm, clear, and not emotional. For example, you might say, “I am calling for time out so both of us can calm down. Then let’s come back together and talk about what we need to understand.” Or, “Please respect that I’m not a child, and I’m not willing to be scolded.” Or, “Let’s back up and start this conversation again. I don’t want to give you a knee-jerk reaction to what you just said.”

If you refuse to be drawn into a fight, a fight will not occur. It takes two to tango. If the other person refuses your request for time out or a new approach, leave the room and disengage. When you are alone, acknowledge your feelings about having your boundaries violated. Accept that it is OK to feel hurt and angry.

You may want to write about what you feel or decide how you want to tell the other person - at a later time - about your feelings. Sometimes simply acknowledging and validating your feelings for yourself are all you need do to release the situation at hand. Other times you may want to dialogue with the other person about what happened. It is your job to decide upon the wisest way to care for yourself. Your goal is to move beyond what happened without ignoring your feelings and needs - and without making a bigger deal out of the situation than it warrants.

If – after acknowledging your feelings and expressing yourself appropriately – you are still angry and upset, look for what the situation at hand stirs up in you from the past. Ask yourself how your boundaries were violated in childhood in ways that were similar to what just happened. When you find a connection to your personal history, write in your journal about the incident you remember and your feelings about it.

Address your anger, your sadness, your fears, what you regret, and finally what you appreciate about that old experience. When you have worked your way through all these layers of emotion, you should feel lots of relief. You’ll probably be ready to let go of your old hurts as well as your more recent ones. If not, keep searching and writing and working through the old wounds buried deep within you. Step by step you’ll bring deeper and deeper healing to the wounded child that lives within you. And you’ll find yourself available to enjoy life more fully in the present.

Boundary violations happen when people are afraid. They are best stopped by the healing energy of love applied to the scary situation at hand. Love is always stronger than fear. It will prevail when all else fails. Like soothing ointment on a painful burn, love sets a healing process in motion. Applied moment by moment, time after time, it brings miracles into situations and events that at first glace feel overwhelming and hopeless.

So when your boundaries are violated remember to notice, soothe, and think in the spirit of love and healing. You’ll give yourself the gift of self-respect as you discover your powerful potential for self-mastery. You’ll give your partner, child, parent, friend, or business associate the gift of keeping your boundaries intact in the face of his or her temporary slip into the clutches of fear. Both of you will grow and gain confidence in the sanity and strength of the relationship you share.

To help insure that you minimize your chances of violating other people’s boundaries, it may help to remember this mantra. “I see myself in you. I have no need or right to see you as a bad guy I need to judge, criticize, or blame. I have no need or right to see you as a victim I need to rescue. I have no need to try to manipulate you into rescuing me. I count. You count. The world we share counts. All is well. I am safe. I am love. I am light. And so are you!

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[1] Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype (New York: Ballantine Books, 1992) p.244.

[2] In this article I am focusing on self-soothing and clear thinking responses to boundary violations when they occur. In an earlier article I describe boundary violating behavior patterns and how to recognize them. You can review that article on my website: www.lovetips.com/blog. . You will find a more in depth discussion of boundary violations and how to recognize them in my book, Loving Your Partner Without Losing Your Self. There is also an earlier article available on my website about developing non-judging awareness of your inner processes.

Recognizing Boundary Violations

Healthy boundaries are vital to healthy relationships. They insure that each person in an intimate partnership loves and respects himself and his mate.

Partners with healthy boundaries honor their differences. They realize that they are attracted to each other precisely because they are not two peas in a pod. Each of them is a distinct, unique individual. Each is God’s wonderful creation and is worthy, loveable, and deserving of respect. Their lifetime challenge is to know each other, accept each other, and grow into wholeness together.

Their intimate relationship is the crucible within which they are sure to encounter the healing issues they need to face. These healing issues emerge with a boom when one partner violates the other’s boundaries. When this happens they are catapulted back into the pain they felt as children when they suffered similar discounting and disrespect.

Boundary violations hurt. They cause us to react to protect ourselves from danger. The most primitive part of our brain swings into action when another person violates our body, mind, emotions, or spirit. This “old” brain (a.k.a. the “reptilian” brain) has only three possible choices. It directs us to fight, flee, or freeze in order to ensure our survival.

We cannot fail to react when we feel violated and threatened. But we can learn to notice our reactions. By using our “new” brain (a.k.a. the frontal lobe) to recognize our impulse to fight, flee, or freeze, we can make conscious choices about how we will behave in the face of our instinctive urges. Instead of just knee jerk reacting, we can stop and think about a healthier, more appropriate way to behave. After all, our physical survival usually is not at stake - even though the old brain makes no distinction about the level of threat or hurt we feel. (More on this in my next article)

There are three types of boundary violations. Other people may intrude on us, violating our bodies, our feelings, our thoughts, or our spirits. They may neglect us by ignoring our needs, feelings, thoughts, and desires. Or they may freeze us out, denying our importance and the significance of our relationship with them.

Boundary violations affect us physically, emotionally, mentally, and / or spiritually. It is important to recognize boundary-violating behaviors in order to stop them and relate to our partners, children, friends, parents and colleagues in ways that respect us both.

Intrusive Boundary Violations

Intrusive boundary violations are frightening and feel rejecting. Physically intrusive boundary violations hurt our bodies and are dangerous to our safety and physical survival. They are easy to identify and include obvious actions like hitting, slapping, pinching, and shaking. Unwanted tickling and unwanted touch are physically intrusive. There also are cruel criminal invasions that intentionally inflict bodily harm like cutting, stabbing, choking, twisting arms and legs, striking with a fist, rape, stealing, and destroying physical possessions. Murder is the ultimate physical intrusion.

Emotionally intrusive boundary violations involve using feelings as manipulative tools for attempting to control others. Guilt trips are an obvious example. We also use anger, helplessness, tears, blaming, attacking, and posing as martyrs and victims to try to force others to behave as we want them to do. In addition, emotionally intrusive boundary violations occur when we make assumptions about what other people feel and then believe and act upon what we imagine. Or we tell others what they feel, failing to notice that what we imagine is in them is actually happening within us.

Mentally intrusive boundary violations are attempts to force ideas and beliefs on others without regard for the integrity and value of their thinking and reasoning. They occur when we imagine that what we think is the truth and should be as obvious to others as it is to us. Mind reading is another form of mental intrusion when we pretend we know what others are thinking better than they do.

Overprotective efforts to tell people what they ought to do are invasive as well – unless they have clearly requested our input. Discounting statements like, “You’re stupid, dumb, wrong, or misguided” also are violating and hurtful. Another particularly vicious form of mental intrusion is telling others that they didn’t see what they saw or experience what they experienced. Often such pronouncements are followed by demands that they keep secrets about what happened and protect others at their own expense.

Spiritual boundary violations take place when one person or group condemns the beliefs of another by acting as if only they are authorized to represent God. Spiritual intrusions are grandiose attempts to speak for God implying that anyone who thinks or experiences the Divine differently is misguided or evil. Such intrusions are efforts to control others and enjoin them from thinking, questioning, or openly exploring their spiritual nature.

Neglectful Boundary Violations

Neglect is a failure to do something that is necessary or desirable in an intimate partnership. It is less visible and harder to identify than boundary intrusions are, because it is more difficult to notice what is missing than what is present.

Physical neglect involves not caring for our partners or ourselves properly. This can mean not feeding, eating, sleeping, or resting. It also can mean not caring for our bodies with adequate exercise, nutrition, health care, or personal hygiene. Ignoring sexual needs is neglectful as is not touching, hugging, or giving and receiving physical comfort, warmth, and attention.

Emotional neglect is commonplace in today’s world. Many who are adults now were trained as children to ignore their feelings and discount their importance. They may tell their mates not to feel what they feel or turn away from them when they are in emotional distress. Other examples of emotional neglect include not responding to what a partner says or interrupting her when she speaks. Ignoring what a partner tells us or failing to do what we say we will or will not do also constitute emotional neglect.

Mental neglect happens when one partner refuses to acknowledge the importance or validity of what the other thinks, even though he may disagree with her ideas. Changing the subject when a spouse shares his ideas or thoughts or not responding to what he says are also examples of mental neglect. Making a joke of what a mate reveals and not speaking to her or acknowledging her presence are wounding and violate her dignity. Another form of mental neglect is disagreeing with a partner – no matter what he says or does.

Spiritual neglect is commonplace in our culture. It occurs when we ignore the inner realm of Spirit and focus exclusively on the material world as the only bona fide reality.

Freezing and Avoiding Boundary Violations

Freezing and avoiding behaviors leave people looking tense – as if they have themselves under rigid control. They may be excessively thin and tightly strung. Or they may be obese, inflated by the pressure of the pain they hold inside themselves. They may be uncomfortable with touch and cut off from their sexuality. Often they avoid spending time with their partners, may change plans abruptly, leave unexpectedly and without discussion, or not show up for an appointment.

Emotional freezing and avoiding turn feelings into ice and make it difficult to connect in a genuine way with others. People who put their emotions on ice use addictions to mask their pain. They also resort to compulsive activities like over spending, intense cleaning, and obsessive thinking to cover their anxiety.

Depression marked by excessive sleeping, neglecting necessary life tasks, and procrastinating is also a sign of emotional freezing. People who avoid their feelings tend to change the subject when feelings are expressed. They make jokes to diffuse feelings and fail to respond to messages, letters, requests, or phone calls. Their behavior is an unconscious effort to sidestep potentially emotional encounters with their partners, colleagues, or relatives.

Mental freezing and avoiding are apparent in people who talk non-stop and give others no chance to speak. Their unconscious strategy is to control the airwaves so nothing can be said that might be difficult for them to handle. They are quick to interrupt, change the subject, talk over what others are saying, or allow only “small talk.” They don’t use their intelligence to solve problems. Instead they tend to judge others for what they ignore in themselves.

Spiritual freezing and avoiding are evident in people who lock themselves into constant frantic activity that allows them no space for quiet times of prayer, meditation, and reflection. They tend not to notice their blessings and have trouble expressing love, gratitude, and appreciation to others – especially their partners. Their lives – though they may seem successful in material terms – feel empty and meaningless. Their relationships are stagnant, drained of the vital spiritual energy that would nurture them with peace, joy, and contentment.

Witnessing Boundary Violations

Boundary violations are defensive styles of relating. They hide true feelings. Instead of openly revealing yourself, you attack, withdraw, or deny your experience. You pretend that you feel powerful rather than noticing how vulnerable you feel.

When you violate your partner’s boundaries, you hand your vulnerable feelings off to her. If she takes your behavior at face value, she feels angry, sad, and vulnerable. She can’t respond to your true needs, because she doesn’t know what they are. Instead she is likely to react to feeling hurt by violating your boundaries in return. It doesn’t take long for a raging battle to ensue - or for the two of you to resort to a cold emotional stand off. In the end, both of you feel shaken, sad, and sorry. You’ve wounded each other once more – much as you were wounded when you were kids.

My next article deals with how to stop boundary violating patterns of behavior. For now, start noticing without judging yourself when you are tempted to intrude upon others, neglect them, or freeze them out. Please don’t point out your mate’s mistakes – that would be yet another way to violate his boundaries. Instead concentrate on becoming more conscious of your own choices. Wake-up, pay attention, and start recognizing new options that are yours when you use your consciousness to help you grow.

In last month’s article, I talked about centering yourself in love and inner peace. When you are centered, you are able to consciously witness your inner processes without judging them or allowing them to take you over and control your behavior. The next time you feel violated by others or notice yourself about to react with fight, flee, or freeze behaviors, try recalling this image.

Imagine that you are watching a pendulum that has been disturbed so it swings in a wide arc from one extreme point to the other. Now think of one of those extremes as over-reacting to the boundary violation you’ve experienced. Let the other extreme point represent blocking your feelings or fleeing your pain. Continue watching the pendulum and notice how its movement gradually becomes less pronounced as it slowly moves back to center and becomes still again.

Like the pendulum, you can come back to center through consciously witnessing the extremes within you – the parts of you that want to react at either extreme. Accept them without judgment and remember that you are more than these agitated parts within you. You are the witness observing the pendulum’s swing. You are the consciousness that dwells deep within your being, connected with Divine love, and able to remain centered and true to yourself no matter what the world around you may demand, expect, or try to force you to accept.